posted by Alcmaeonid
Popular belief would say that marijuana makes its users slothful and ineffective. Essentially all potheads are lazy and overweight couch potatoes, right? Wrong! In the wake of the Michael Phelps bong photograph, it is clear that stoners make some of the best athletes. With this in mind I give you the Top 10 Pothead Athletes of All Time.
Now on the one hand I could rank the athletes based on who are the heaviest smokers, but that is subjective because we cannot really gauge who smoked more than others. My main criterion here is on-the-field success, while taking into account the fact that the particular athlete regularly smokes marijuana. Here is my top 10:
10. Carmelo Anthony, Basketball, Denver Nuggets
The small forward for the Denver Nuggets has a long history of marijuana usage dating back to college, where he won a national title with Syracuse. If nothing else, his nickname, Melo, should give away his penchant for smoking (i.e. “mellow”). A few years back, Melo’s car was being driven by a friend in Denver, and he was pulled over. The officer found a large bag of weed in the car, allegedly belonging to the Nuggets forward. In true pothead fashion, the driver told the officer he was holding it for a friend.
9. Ricky Williams, Football, Miami Dolphins
The veteran running back had a great stint at the University of Texas before being drafted into the NFL by the New Orleans Saints. Over the years, Williams has been suspended a number of times for marijuana use, and has continually been brought back from suspension. However, a spiritual crisis led to Williams’ departure from the game, and into a Buddhist Temple in South Asia. A few years and countless joints later, Williams is back in the NFL with the Miami Dolphins. There is certainly no better place for a recovering drug addict than… Miami!
8. Michael Vick, Football, Atlanta Falcons
Vick transformed the quarterback position with his athleticism and his style. He dominated football at his high school in Virginia and in college at Virginia Tech, and had great success in the NFL with the Atlanta Falcons, winning multiple playoff games. During a routine inspection at an airport, Vick was found hiding marijuana in a thermos. This is quite surprising because we all know how good Michael Vick is at hiding illegal activities.
7. Randy Moss, Football, New England Patriots
As a wide receiver coming out of high school, Moss was one of the most highly touted prospects ever, for any sport. His freakish athletic abilities would have sent him to Florida State if not for multiple incidents of marijuana use (he told a reporter he smoked crack too!). Randy’s love of weed led him to Marshall University, and eventually to the NFL with the Minnesota Vikings. Moss remains a top player in the NFL, and consistently smokes in the off-season. Based on his often lackluster effort on the field, one wonders if he only smokes in the off-season…
*From here, the Top 6 athletes are champions at the professional level:
6. Rasheed Wallace, Basketball, Detroit Pistons
As a better shot-blocker and rebounder than most big men, and a better shooter than most small guards, Rasheed Wallace is unparalleled in his athletic ability. Wallace had great success at the University of North Carolina, and has been an all-star in the NBA. He was drafted by the Portland Trailblazers (obvious enough?) and won an NBA title in 2004 with the Detroit Pistons. A policeman found weed in his car while he was still with the Blazers, riding with fellow NBA player/pothead Damon Stoudemire. ‘Sheed remains a top player in the league, although NBA scouts note that he tends to be lazy on the court for some odd reason.
5. Santonio Holmes, Football, Pittsburgh Steelers
Holmes has recently become a big star after his amazing touchdown catch and MVP award from this years Super Bowl. As a young man in Florida, he admits to having sold marijuana on the streets, and I wonder if he followed Crack Commandment #4? (If you don’t know B.I.G., I feel for you) More recently, Holmes was arrested for marijuana possession in October of 2008. It’s amazing how quickly we forget such transgressions in favor of Super Bowl highlights, unless you are…
…4. Michael Phelps, Swimming
The best swimmer, and perhaps best Olympian of all time, Phelps has brought swimming to the forefront in America. He has become a multi-million dollar empire of t-shirts and autobiographies, and more recently, a notorious pothead. Phelps is pictured smoking out of a bong at a Carolina college party, and the photo has become widely circulated around the globe. As a result, Phelps has lost his squeaky-clean image and millions of $ in endorsements. But the greatest tragedy of all is that by losing his Kellogg’s sponsorship, Phelps has squashed the pothead dream of having a lifetime supply of Frosted Flakes.
3. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Basketball/Actor/Cool Dude
Born Lew Alcindor, Kareem is an icon of civil rights, religious freedom, and athletic greatness. He dominated the NBA with the Milwaukee Bucks, and later won multiple titles with the “Showtime” L.A. Lakers. Kareem was famously a student of Bruce Lee (he was in Game of Death, see it!), and regularly appears on film and on television. In his retirement years, Kareem admitted to smoking marijuana throughout his career to relieve pain and stress. Does that mean Bruce Lee was a pothead too? Well, that’s another list.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Body-Building/Actor/We got to get to the choppa! Now!
Before he saved John Connor, California, and Christmas (Jingle All the Way, don’t see it!), Arnold was dominating the Mr. Olympia competition. He won multiple titles alongside fellow thespian Lou Ferrigno through hard work– oops! I meant to say steroids. In the classic documentary Pumping Iron, Schwarzenegger illustrates how a champion bodybuilder prepares for competition: by smoking a doobie. That’s right, the governor of California is on film smoking a fatty! Oh, California…
1. Bill Walton, Basketball/NBA Analyst
Walton is number one because he embodies the main criteria of this list more than any other athlete. Not only did he win 88 games in a row with the UCLA Bruins, an NCAA title, and multiple NBA titles with the Trailblazers (coincidence?) and Boston Celtics, but Walton is also the biggest hippie ever! I mean come on, UCLA? In the 70’s? Please. Not to mention his tendency to ramble incoherently when asked a simple question, or his love of tie-dye shirts. Not enough you say? Dude’s got a tee pee in his backyard. ‘Nuff said.