Signifying Nothing’s tips on how to attract women in Mysore class.
Obligatory moment of contrition:
This indefensibly misguided post was written after five shots of whiskey compounded by the nettling thought that I’ve now done yoga for over three years without getting one date from a yoga class. This despite an average 10:1 female:male ratio suggests that….
A.) Yoga class is the worst possible place to pick up women.
(By contrast: Signifying Nothing‘s top 5 easiest places to pick up women:
4. Amsterdam, three a.m., most major holidays save Easter
3. the Zoo
2. Small meteor hurtling towards Earth containing me and a woman
(Like, really small.)
B.) It is time I start on the first of the eight limbs of yoga, Yama (universal morality).
I’ll start tomorrow.
(I was lying about the whiskey. I think of this stuff sober. Sorry mom. Lies: one more moral issue to tackle tomorrow..)
Nymph: def. (from the Merriam-Webster dictionary), any of the minor divinities of nature in classical mythology represented as beautiful maidens dwelling in the mountains, forests, trees, and waters.
Yoga nymph: def. (from Signifying Nothing), any of the minor divinities of nature in modern urban settings represented as beautiful maidens dwelling in yoga studios. Synonyms: yogini, Tinkerbell.
1. Shower before class. Essential, but by no means the most important tip. Ask Carl.
2. Brush your teeth, and avoid using Listerine. Listerine is easily detected on the breath, and it smells weird. The Tinkerbells will immediately pick it up and wonder what you were trying to wash away, their first assumption being that you just came from a late night skuzzy porn shoot in your mom’s garage. As exhilarating as that may sound to you, they won’t be into it, especially at 6:30am while trying to locate God.
3. Don’t lose your balance and fall on her. Yoga nymphs startle easily.
4. Keep your focus on yourself. No wandering eyes, no matter how amazing their bodies are or the insanely hot pose they are doing. No one is here to get picked up, except for you, and that is just too bad. The Tinkerbells don’t give a sneeze of pixie dust about you, how hard you think the pose is you are doing, or what your practice looks like, so long as you stay reasonably on your mat and don’t make a lot of noise or flail about.
5. Don’t flail about. Some poses will hurt; others are incredibly awkward; still others may seem pleasant and easy until you discover what you were doing wrong (in the form of an aggressive adjustment by your teacher). Do your best, with the best intentions; breathe into discomfort; and don’t bring attention to yourself by wincing, grunting, snorting, rolling your eyes, laughing, or screaming. Lying on your back crying softly to yourself is acceptable. Or seems to be. No one has said anything yet.
6. Be humble. You suck at yoga, and she doesn’t care. What does this mean for you? There is no way in hell you are taking her home. If you signed up for monthly unlimited classes in hopes of it being a clever dating forum in which to show off your handsome shoulders and shapely chest, you are wasting a lot of money. The best you can ever hope for is that the nymph practicing next to you touches your hand every so often with some impossible part of her body as she flies through a Tinkerbell pose.