Tag Archives: funny

Beginner’s Guide to Mysore

Signifying Nothing’s tips on how to attract women in Mysore class.




Obligatory moment of contrition:

This indefensibly misguided post was written after five shots of whiskey compounded by the nettling thought that I’ve now done yoga for over three years without getting one date from a yoga class.  This despite an average 10:1 female:male ratio suggests that….

A.) Yoga class is the worst possible place to pick up women.

(By contrast: Signifying Nothing‘s top 5 easiest places to pick up women:
5. School
4. Amsterdam, three a.m., most major holidays save Easter
3. the Zoo
2. Small meteor hurtling towards Earth containing me and a woman
(Like, really small.)
1. Prison

B.) It is time I start on the first of the eight limbs of yoga, Yama (universal morality).

I’ll start tomorrow.

(I was lying about the whiskey. I think of this stuff sober. Sorry mom. Lies: one more moral issue to tackle tomorrow..)

Beginner’s Guide to Mysore Yoga, Part 4:

Nymph: def. (from the Merriam-Webster dictionary), any of the minor divinities of nature in classical mythology represented as beautiful maidens dwelling in the mountains, forests, trees, and waters.

Yoga nymph: def. (from Signifying Nothing), any of the minor divinities of nature in modern urban settings represented as beautiful maidens dwelling in yoga studios.   Synonyms: yogini, Tinkerbell.

Tips on getting the yoga nymphs to alight near you:

1.  Shower before class.  Essential, but by no means the most important tip.  Ask Carl.

2.  Brush your teeth, and avoid using Listerine.  Listerine is easily detected on the breath, and it smells weird.  The Tinkerbells will immediately pick it up and wonder what you were trying to wash away, their first assumption being that you just came from a late night skuzzy porn shoot in your mom’s garage.  As exhilarating as that may sound to you, they won’t be into it, especially at 6:30am while trying to locate God.

3.  Don’t lose your balance and fall on her.  Yoga nymphs startle easily.

4.  Keep your focus on yourself.  No wandering eyes, no matter how amazing their bodies are or the insanely hot pose they are doing.  No one is here to get picked up, except for you, and that is just too bad.  The Tinkerbells don’t give a sneeze of pixie dust about you, how hard you think the pose is you are doing, or what your practice looks like, so long as you stay reasonably on your mat and don’t make a lot of noise or flail about.

5.  Don’t flail about.  Some poses will hurt; others are incredibly awkward; still others may seem pleasant and easy until you discover what you were doing wrong (in the form of an aggressive adjustment by your teacher).  Do your best, with the best intentions; breathe into discomfort; and don’t bring attention to yourself by wincing, grunting, snorting, rolling your eyes, laughing, or screaming.  Lying on your back crying softly to yourself is acceptable.  Or seems to be.  No one has said anything yet.

6.  Be humble.  You suck at yoga, and she doesn’t care.  What does this mean for you?  There is no way in hell you are taking her home.  If you signed up for monthly unlimited classes in hopes of it being a clever dating forum in which to show off your handsome shoulders and shapely chest, you are wasting a lot of money.  The best you can ever hope for is that the nymph practicing next to you touches your hand every so often with some impossible part of her body as she flies through a Tinkerbell pose.


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Legalize it — or not?

posted by ebeans

A recent post published at elephant journal on how to fix the economy got me thinking about the perils of legalization…weed and gay marriage that is.  And while I haven’t gotten to the marriage bit yet, I’ve done a little thinking about the weed and here is the thing:

Republican/conservative friends have argued that government control of anything from public transportation systems to health care lead to a decrease in the quality of that service.  So will it ever get legalized?  I think not.  As long as enough republicans are lighting up before going to golf courses, weed will stay where they think it belongs — private and high grade.

Absolutely free to be funny

LoL @ Osho. This clip is priceless from beginning to end.

I don’t have any obligation to anybody. I’m absolutely free to be funny, to be shocking… I don’t even bother about contradicting myself. Because it seems to me that a man who remains consistant his whole life must be an idiot. A growing person has to contradict himself many times.

Everything’s amazing, nobody’s happy

FML: Cyber Venting – Get It All Out at F*** My Life

posted by freebean

Yes, we all know there are many more constructive ways to deal with daily drama, but sometimes, it just feels good to vent. Join the like-minded folks at F*** My Life. Check out the site to get a new perspective, you might actually leave feeling better about yourself.

Here’s a couple from today:
Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded “yes.” Then she asked if I was sexually active… “no.” FML

Today, I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway, I didn’t let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn’t know the sneeze was a “productive” one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse and saw the giant lugie sitting there. FML

There, don’t you feel a little bit better about your day?

Is Regis marketing Sweet’N Low to kids?

Has the world gone mad?  In the latest Sweet’N Low commercial, Regis Philbin rides in a NYC Taxi and rants to the driver (who happens to be the Pink Panther — in the theatres soon, go figure) about how the stuff in the pink packet just tastes better in his coffee than real sugar.  I can’t remember the last time I saw a commercial from Sweet’N Low.  Johnson and Johnson’s “Splenda” has managed to knock out the stuff in the blue packet, Equal, and it looks like it now has Sweet’N Low hitting low in hopes of developing a new client base…kids.  This same strategy worked for a little “fruit” company that was condemned to extinction in the nineties.  (Hint:  it is not a fruit company, but its name is a fruit that starts with an “A” and should be eaten everyday…)

I guess Sweet’N Low is counting on kids to not remember how:
1.  Sweet’N Low causes long-term users to develop a third eye
2.  A mass Sweet’N Low-induced hypnotism allowed George W. Bush to be elected–twice!
3.  Sweet’N Low causes wrinkles
4.  Sweet’N Low causes teenage pregnancy
5.  Sweet’N Low steals left socks and never gives them back

I just think people should know the truth.

Twilight Abridged

Originally posted 1/17/9 by Michael Parsons:

Every month, the best movie magazine ‘Total Film’ does an abridged script. This time they did one that make me laugh and laugh. I have read ‘Twilight’ but stayed away from the movie for this exact reason.

So bloody funny.




Oh my God I love your hair you’re so pretty will you be my new best friend?

Can I take you out sometime since you’re so awesome?

I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl’s pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren’t well-written characters supposed to have flaws?

Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theater reach deafening levels.

Who’s the albino Wolverine?

Oh, him? That’s Robert. He’s universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in school but he doesn’t date anyone because no girl is good enough for him.

No girl is good enough for him, eh? Let’s see if that’s still the case in ten minutes

KRISTEN sits next to ROBERT

Hey, your eyes are changing color from gorgeous to ultragorgeous. What’s going on?

I totally love you. But you should know, I’m a vampire. And not a badass vampire, but an emo bitch vampire/

The only way I will believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using special effects from the 70s.


You are a vampire! How old are you?

Over a hundred, but to be fair I’ve spent most of that time working on my hair.

The two of them GAZE into each other’s eyes forever. Eventually ROBERT and KRISTEN go to visit ROBERT’S FAMILY.



Welcome! Don’t let me effeminate appearance mislead you. There must be something special about you for Robert to risk the lives of his family. Tell us about yourself.

Vampire baseball. Want to watch?

Actually, as it happens, the very last thing on Earth I or any other sane person would want to watch is vampire baseball, but go ahead.

They play vampire baseball, which is stupid as it sounds. The game attracts the attention of some EVIL VAMPIRES. They Ttck KRISTEN but ROBERt and his FAMILY save her.



I we should break up. To keep you safe.

From vampires?

No, from being typecast forever after this series is done. I’m screwed, but it’s not too late for you.

No. I want you to make me a vampire.

So, the next generation of young women are currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.

I love you. Put a baby in me.

At least the other three books can’t possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.

They ARE.