Monthly Archives: September 2014

2014 NFL Predictions… and Asses

Preseason totally doesn’t matter except for the bottom of teams rosters.  The real season is almost here!  Due to my fantasy team picks, I am heavily rooting for the Packers.  Well, just Aaron Rodgers, but still!  My number 1 receiver is Calvin Johnson, so I am basically rooting for no defense in the NFC North… and that’s enough about my fantasy team.


Not a bad catch…

There has already been one game won by the Seahawks, but that has no effect on my picks.  Because I said so.

Will defense win out again this year with San Fran or Seattle taking it all?  Or will it be legendary QB’s operating high-octane offenses in Denver or New England?  I don’t know.  Here are some guesses though:

(1st – 4th = Final Divisional Standing)

(* = Wild Card)

AFC West

The Denver Broncos (1st) are easily the favorite to win the division, and I will agree.  The offense lost Eric Decker on the edge, but will still be strong with Manning at the helm.  They did acquire DeMarcus Ware and Aqib Talib on defense which will boost that side of the ball.  I don’t see them quite having the record-breaking season like last year, especially with Wes Welker’s off the field issues, but this will certainly be one of, if not the best offense in the league.



San Diego Chargers (*2nd), Phillip Rivers will continue his solid play this year.  The team is good enough to finish second in the division, but doesn’t have the D to make the playoffs.  The Kansas City Chiefs (3rd) are a solid team with a good coach in Andy Reid, but don’t have the QB play that Denver has, which is calculated thusly: Alex Smith vs. Peyton Manning = :/

Oh and the Oakland Raiders (4th) will finish last.  Almost forgot they were still in the NFL!

AFC North

The quarterback play for the Cincinnati Bengals (1st) is… eh, but the skill positions are outstanding.  AJ Green is a freak who gets better every year, and that defensive line is awesome.  They will win a tight division race, narrowly beating out the defensively, and offensively average Baltimore Ravens (*2nd).  Too soon?  *Ray Rice reference

The Pittsburgh Steelers (3rd) will also be entertainingly average, and hopefully can get back to being a decent defensive team, unlike last season.  Very strange for Pittsburgh to be less than good defensively.  The Cleveland Browns (4th) will suck, which means we’ll see Johnny Football start by Week 6.  Sweet!


Somewhere in the Midwest Drew Carrey is having a Clevegasm. Yeah, that’s my new word. It’s like a nerdgasm but for Cleveland sports. Genius.

AFC South

If the defense can keep up with the big-play offense for the Indianapolis Colts (1st), they will be great. If not, Andrew Luck is good enough to get the team to the playoffs and win the division, but the D will have to step up for them to get anywhere in the postseason.  The Houston Texans (2nd) will have a very entertaining pass rush with Clowney and JJ Watt, but the Texans look like a textbook 6-10 team.

The Tennessee Titans (3rd) and Jacksonville Jaguars (4th) are so boring and untalented that I don’t want to waste my time on them.  Blake Bortles should get a shot at starting by Week 5, and I think he should be starting Week 1.  The Jags should just start his development immediately.  What the hell else will they be playing for?


Not very relevant, but I just love this damn sign!

AFC East

Man do I hate the New England Patriots (1st), but once again they are the clear favorite in this division.  The Miami Dolphins (2nd) don’t have the quarterback play, or receiving talent to score with the best in the league.  They have a solid defense, but Ryan Tannehill needs to step up his game for the Dolphins to go anywhere.

The New York Jets (3rd) will be quite awful on offense, which may bring on an entertaining Mike Vick show… for a few weeks until he is concussed whilst scrambling.  The Buffalo Bills (4th) have young talent, especially with Sammy Watkins, but are at least 2 seasons from being any good.

NFC West

The Seattle Seahawks (1st) are a slight favorite to win the division over the San Francisco 49ers (*2nd), especially in light of the Niners’ recent legal troubles.  Seattle lost a few players on defense, but still return this year with the best secondary in the league.  It’s hard to imagine Russell Wilson not continuing his improvement, plus you have Beast Mode and Percy Harvin playing Week 1.  These are good things.


The Arizona Cardinals (3rd) overachieved last year, and in this tough division, it will be an accomplishment to finish 7-9.  With no Sam Bradford, the St. Louis Rams (4th) have zero chance.

NFC South

If you plugged in Sean Peyton, Drew Brees, and Jimmy Graham into the offensive of… Jacksonsville… Oakland… or any other shitty team, that is instantly a playoff team.  That is how good those 3 are and why the New Orleans Saints (1st) will beat a very talented Atlanta Falcons (2nd) team to win the division.  Atlanta will be a tough matchup every week, as they are one of the most complete overall teams in the league, the Saints just have too much offensive firepower.  Roddy White and Julio Jones for Atlanta are the best receiver duo in the league.  (Second place goes to Alshon Jeffrey and Brandon Marshall in Chicago)


The Carolina Panthers (3rd) are one of my favorite teams to watch due to the explosive play of Cam Newton, and they return with an elite defense.  However, this is a tough division this season, and Carolina will be one of the best NFC teams to not make the playoffs.  A coaching change might help the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4th), but who cares? It’s the Bucs man.

NFC North

The surrounding cast of the Chicago Bears (1st) made a backup look like a Pro Bowler last year, so with an actual Pro Bowler, that means greatness right?!  It should be with Jay Cutler calling the shots, but he has always underachieved considering his freakish arm talent.  They are a solid team though and will win the North over the Green Bay Packers (*2nd), who will be great on offensive but continue their annual quest to bolster their lackluster defense.

The Detroit Lions (3rd) are like a crappy Green Bay: great offensive and slumping defense.  Calvin Johnson is amazing to watch, but this team is far too one-dimensional on offense, and lack defensive talent or discipline.  I believe Teddy Bridgewater was a gift to the Minnesota Vikings (4th) at the bottom of the 1st round, and should get an early chance to start and develop.  This plus watching Adrian Peterson maul linebackers are the only positives for another wasted season in Minnesota.

Adrian Peterson, Connor Barwin

NFC East

Chip Kelly proved the doubters wrong and showed that his innovative offensive does translate to the NFL, and has worked wonders for the Philadelphia Eagles (1st).  Even with the loss of DeSean Jackson, the Eagles are stacked on offense and will put up some HUGE numbers this year.  The Washington Redskins (2nd) will be fun to watch, but RG3 just seems like he is waiting to make a mistake or get hurt.  I love to watch him play, but he just isn’t as consistent as you need a franchise quarterback to be… yet.  He will be.

The soap opera known as the Dallas Cowboys (3rd) continues in 2014, and they are sure to be one of the more entertaining 7-9 teams you will see.  Will it be good Eli, or weird Eli for the New York Giants (4th)?  Eli is such an anomaly because he is a 2-time Super Bowl Winning quarterback, but isn’t expected to have a good season. Noone knows what to expect from this guy.  Consistency is not his trademark.  Regardless of which Eli shows up, the rest of the team is lacking, and will finish dead last.  5-11 is to be expected.

Then there’s the playoffs…

AFC Wild Card Round:

Chargers def. Bengals 23-17

Colts def. Ravens 31-13

AFC Divisional Round:

Broncos def. Colts 35-16

Patriots def. Chargers 27-21

Come on, someone give him a high five already.

Come on, someone give him a high five already.

AFC Championship:

Broncos def. Patriots 24-20


NFC Wild Card Round:

Packers def. Saints 34-28

49ers def. Eagles 22-17

NFC Divisional Round:

Seahawks def. 49ers 23-19

Packers def. Bears 31-24

NFC Championship

Packers def. Seahawks 28-20


Super Bowl:

Broncos def. Packers 30-16


Dude, I totally farted.

Ah, and here’s the ass.


So that’s Kendall Jenner, the little sister of those Kardashians.  Remember her as a tween on Keeping up with the Kardashians?  (Yes I watched that show, you know you did too, admit it!)

These days she’s all grown up, and a pro model.  Not bad. Her Instagram page is pretty amazing.  See below.


K, bye.