Naked or Gay? How to Predict an Oscar Winner

posted by Alcmaeonid

With award season comes endless predictions and theories as to what is the best way to determine who will win at the Academy Awards.  Some say skilled acting is key, others say an actor must break the norm, while still others think it’s prestige. But anyone who follows the Oscars knows that the one sure-fire way to win is not acting skill or a good script, but nudity.  That’s right! NUDITY!  Surprised?  Here are some past winners:

Hale Berry: Monster’s Ball

Kim Basinger: L. A. Confidential (no nipples, but it still counts)

Gwenyth Paltrow: Shakespeare in Love

Charlize Theron: Monster (kind of gross nudity, but still nudity!)

Juliette Binoche: The English Patient

..and so on.

With this in mind, I give you my best actress winner:

Kate Winslet for The Reader

and best supporting actress:

Marisa Tomei for The Wrestler , giving her 2 Oscars for her career, placing her amongst the greatest actors to ever live, just kidding.

But that is the point, nudity trumps good acting every time.

Now the best actor category is  a little different. Nude men have notoriously been snubbed come Oscar time (see Willem Dafoe, Harvey Keitel, Kevin Bacon for god’s sakes!).  Instead, the Oscar goes to either the drunkest, highest, or gayest (is that a word?) actor.  Don’t believe me?

Tom Hanks: Philadelphia

Nicolas Cage: Leaving Las Vegas

Jamie Foxx: Ray

Michael Caine: The Cider House Rules

Alan Arkin: Little Miss Sunshine

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Capote

….etc.

Thus my best actor winner is:

Sean Penn in Milk

This category was tough, because Mickey Rourke was just drunk and on steroids in The Wrestler, but steroids don’t get you high, they make you lie to Katie Couric. Therefore, Sean Penn is way gayer than Mickey Rourke is drunk.

for best supporting actor:

Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Doubt

He was mad gay in this movie. Wasn’t he? I have my doubts. Ha.

Best picture and best director can be easily predicted by combining the criteria for men and women, it’s foolproof.

Best director: Gus van Sant for Milk

I don’t think I need to explain

Best picture: The Reader

Why? Dude have you seen Kate Winslet naked? It’s awesome.