posted by Alcmaeonid
With award season comes endless predictions and theories as to what is the best way to determine who will win at the Academy Awards. Some say skilled acting is key, others say an actor must break the norm, while still others think it’s prestige. But anyone who follows the Oscars knows that the one sure-fire way to win is not acting skill or a good script, but nudity. That’s right! NUDITY! Surprised? Here are some past winners:
Hale Berry: Monster’s Ball
Kim Basinger: L. A. Confidential (no nipples, but it still counts)
Gwenyth Paltrow: Shakespeare in Love
Charlize Theron: Monster (kind of gross nudity, but still nudity!)
Juliette Binoche: The English Patient
..and so on.
With this in mind, I give you my best actress winner:
Kate Winslet for The Reader
and best supporting actress:
Marisa Tomei for The Wrestler , giving her 2 Oscars for her career, placing her amongst the greatest actors to ever live, just kidding.
But that is the point, nudity trumps good acting every time.
Now the best actor category is a little different. Nude men have notoriously been snubbed come Oscar time (see Willem Dafoe, Harvey Keitel, Kevin Bacon for god’s sakes!). Instead, the Oscar goes to either the drunkest, highest, or gayest (is that a word?) actor. Don’t believe me?
Tom Hanks: Philadelphia
Nicolas Cage: Leaving Las Vegas
Jamie Foxx: Ray
Michael Caine: The Cider House Rules
Alan Arkin: Little Miss Sunshine
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Capote
Thus my best actor winner is:
Sean Penn in Milk
This category was tough, because Mickey Rourke was just drunk and on steroids in The Wrestler, but steroids don’t get you high, they make you lie to Katie Couric. Therefore, Sean Penn is way gayer than Mickey Rourke is drunk.
for best supporting actor:
Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Doubt
He was mad gay in this movie. Wasn’t he? I have my doubts. Ha.
Best picture and best director can be easily predicted by combining the criteria for men and women, it’s foolproof.
Best director: Gus van Sant for Milk
I don’t think I need to explain
Best picture: The Reader
Why? Dude have you seen Kate Winslet naked? It’s awesome.